Week 11: Transitions in Marriage: Fidelity and Physical Intimacy
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Within marriage, physical intimacy serves many purposes. From bringing children into the world to strengthening the bond between husband and wife, this sacred aspect of marital union can experience struggles leading to frustrations just like any other aspect of family life. To help couples work through these difficult yet important issues, state extension family life specialist PhD Sean E. Brotherson outlines several pitfalls in his article “Fulfilling the Sexual Stewardship in Marriage.” Out of all he teaches, I will highlight the three points I found most fundamental; ignorance, inhibition, and ill will.
To begin, Brotherson highlights the huge toll ignorance can take between spouses. He says, “I am convinced that ignorance is perhaps the most costly deficiency when it comes to sexual fulfillment between marital partners. A failure to understand your own body, your partner's responses, and the essential ingredients of a healthy sexual relationship quickly becomes a failure to find sexual satisfaction as a married couple. Problems in this area of a marriage relationship can severely impact couple communication and caring, and leads often to insecurity, anxiety, frustration, anger, emotional alienation, and even divorce.”
It appears that speaking openly about physical intimacy is not only one of the most important discussions a couple should have but one that is least likely to happen. With so much at stake weighing on each partner’s fulfillment within their marriage, let’s break down some barriers and begin this dialogue.
First, I do not believe it is coincidental that the heavy topic of sexual stewardship has come in the 11th week of this semester. It is of paramount importance that a couple should have a clear understanding of threats to the institution of marriage, testimonies of the doctrine of eternal marriage, an awareness of behaviors that negatively affect marriage, commit to cherishing their spouse, work at staying emotionally connected, safeguarding themselves against pride, successfully navigating conflict, and earnestly seek to understand one another. When each of these components are set in place, even if not currently perfected, the couple’s intimate aspect has a greater chance of flourishing than would otherwise be the case. For, how can a couple openly talk about something so personal, so vulnerable, if they do not trust their spouse, feel valued, heard, cherished, or secure with their relationship in the first place?
Back to ignorance. Couples that wish to thrive must “… learn to communicate about sexual intimacy, they must learn to become comfortable with the topic and expressing their feelings and thoughts in specific ways. This is something that does not happen immediately, but over time as a couple trusts each other and learns to talk about a subject that may have been glossed over quickly or left undiscussed previously” (Brotherson, 2003, p. 3).
John Gottman makes this point even clearer by stating, “So often when a husband and wife talk to each other about their sexual needs, their conversations are … indirect, imprecise, inconclusive. Frequently both partners are in a hurry to end the conversation, hopeful that they will miraculously understand each other's desires without much talk … The problem is that the less clear you are about what you do and don't want, the less likely you are to get it. Sex can be such a fun way to share with each other and deepen your sense of intimacy. But when communication is fraught with tension, then frustration and hurt feelings too often result” (Gottman & Silver, 1999, pp. 200-201).
Now remember, when talking about intimacy, it is important to keep the conversation climate comfortable. Such a deeply personal topic may have the potential for you or your spouse to experience flooding, therefore it will be necessary to use soothing techniques while providing support.
The second pitfall is inhibition. To quote Brotherson, “Inhibition, in this sense, refers specifically to an avoidance of dealing with one's thoughts, feelings, desires, or behaviors related to sexual functioning in marriage. Many husbands and wives who have an adequate understanding of sexual matters in marriage still struggle to overcome negative thoughts or feelings associated with the expression of sexual love. I have discussed this phenomenon with a large number of couples who, despite their love for each other, have found it difficult to become comfortable in verbalizing their feelings or touching each other in intimate ways after marriage. They may have a somewhat functional sex life, but they often find it disturbed by thoughts of unwholesomeness, feelings of anxiety or uncertainty, or inability to express themselves physically in ways that are open and comfortable and pleasing to each other” (p. 4).
Just like the proverbial ostrich with it’s head in the sand, couples that ignore discussing the sexual aspect of their marriage will not make progress either. Inhibition to work through this topic together most likely will lead to stagnancy rather than vibrancy.
In reference to the Savior’s parable of the talents in Matthew 25:14-30 Brotherson requests us to ponder these points, “Think about your sexual relationship and how you have willingly improved or enhanced its quality as a marital steward, or whether you have avoided and ignored this aspect of your marital stewardship. What would you say if the Lord asked you to account for your efforts in this area? Have you been kind? Have you sought greater light and knowledge? Have you exercised patience and encouragement? Have you pursued answers in faith? These are all characteristics of a wise and caring steward” (p. 6). If you cannot answer in the affirmative to these questions, you may certainly have some work to do.
Finally, the last pitfall is ill will. Although most people relate marriage to love and security, when the honeymoon is over and real-life sets in some couples may quickly become dissatisfied and hurtful. Brotherson explains, ““Ill will” is a catch-all term for emotional or verbal abuse, inattentiveness, apathy, isolation, anger, or other forms of negativity that couples may practice and thus perpetuate a cycle of ill feeling and willful hurt in a marriage relationship. No aspect of marriage is more sensitive to emotional upheaval than the sexual relationship. An angry word will pour cold water on a spouse's romantic “on” switch more quickly than you can imagine, while a meaningful apology can pave the way to a gentle invitation toward intimacy” (p. 6).
In other words, ill will could be summed up in Gottman’s concept of Negative Sentiment Override which basically means that the tone of the relationship is increasingly negative (Gottman and Silver, 1999, p.23). This, of course, is detrimental to a couple’s intimate relationship, especially for the woman. Says Brotherson, “… ill will is a significant factor in shaping the sexual desire and arousal of spouses, particularly of women. Women in general tend to require more of a warm-up and emotional preparation phase for sexual expression. Ill will or emotional distance creates tension and stress in the couple relationship, and at such times women are much less likely or able to muster the emotional desire to pursue sexual intimacy. Abandoning ill will is a prerequisite to emotional preparation for sexual intimacy for most women. Additionally, it is interesting to note that for many women sexual desire actually follows arousal, it does not precede it. This means that women who intentionally engage with their spouse often find that their desire kicks in after this intentional effort. The catch? A woman's willingness to “be intentional” about sexual intimacy is directly linked with whether she is currently feeling or experiencing any ill will in the relationship” (p. 7).
In an effort to debunk the notion that women have a lower sex-drive than men, perhaps the real issue is not solely the woman’s “drive” but rather how connected, cherished, and emotionally satisfied she is in her marriage. Pinning all sexual problems on the wife’s sexual drive may just be the lazy man’s way of deflecting any responsibility for his role in the emotional climate of their marriage.
To summarize, ignorance, inhibition, and ill will are all dangerous pitfalls that can wreak havoc on a husband and wife’s physical intimacy. Knowing these adversarial tools is the first line of defense. Actively counterattacking them will lead to improved results and a more harmonious union.
My questions for you this week are:
1. Now that you have this knowledge, and for the sake of the eternal welfare of your marriage, are you willing to have these specific, potentially uncomfortable discussions with your spouse?
2. If you and your spouse are struggling, will you actively work on improving the physical intimacy aspect of your marriage and commit to be a wise and caring steward?
References
Brotherson, S.E. (2003). Fulfilling the Sexual Stewardship in Marriage. Meridian Magazine. www.meridianmagazine.com
Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work: a practical guide from the countrys foremost relationship expert. New York: Harmony Books
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