Week 05: Behaviors that Negatively Affect Marriage
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To begin, preparation for this war begins by knowing the enemy’s top 6 weapons. They are: Harsh Start-Up, The Four Horsemen, Flooding, Body Language, Failed Repair Attempts, and Bad Memories. The following information is taken from the book “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work,” written by Dr. John M. Gottman and Nan Silver (2015).
Weapon #1: Harsh Start-Up
Just like the name implies, this tactic is a strong attack right off-the-bat. But what does it look like? Imagine with me a couple sitting down to talk about problems they are having. When one, or both, begin the discussion with anger and contempt, this is a harsh start-up. There is no easing into the topic. There is no gently discussing surrounding circumstances or ideas first. It’s a dive-in-head-first-strike-first blunt beginning. Immediately, one’s partner is put on the defense which, more often than not, stifles warm feelings and places both individuals at opposite ends of the playing field.
Weapon #2: The Four Horsemen
The first Horseman is criticism. Oftentimes, when a couple begins an argument with a harsh start-up, their harshness involves the use of criticism; in other words, a direct attack on the other person’s character. Due to how intimately a couple may know each other, their criticisms can be especially negative and potent. They may know exactly the right thing to say to hit the mark without realizing how much damage they are inflicting.
The second Horseman is contempt. The more divisive a couple becomes, the glue that holds them together can start losing its stick and one, or both, partners may begin seeing themselves as better than the other. As one looks down their nose at the other, a feeling of “I’m too good for you” or “You’re not good enough for me” begins to taint the interactions they have with each other. Harmony and camaraderie dissolve when such disparity exists between two people.
The third Horseman is defensiveness. It is only a matter of time for an attacked individual to start defending his or her dignity. You may think that defending yourself is natural, even acceptable, however, Dr. Gottman describes why this reaction is just as destructive as the other three. He says, “… research shows that this approach rarely has the desired effect. The attacking spouse does not back down or apologize. This is because defensiveness is really a way of blaming your partner. You’re saying, in effect, “The problem isn’t me, it’s you.”” (Gottman & Silver, 2015, p.37).
The fourth Horseman is stonewalling. Anything from ignoring, turning away, looking at your phone, to turning on the television during a conversation is technically stonewalling. Some couples may disengage from the conversation, or not participate in it from the beginning by stonewalling to avoid confrontation. However, whether speaking and facing each other, or turning away and engaging in something else, they are still communicating something. Stonewalling can communicate many things, such as the other person is not worth working through the issue with, or you can’t be bothered to be courteous to someone you distain so much, or you know stonewalling bothers your partner so you do it passive-aggressively. There are many interpretations a partner may glean from being on the receiving end of a stonewaller, and none of them are helpful to their marriage.
Weapon #3: Flooding
When a couple repeatedly fights, it may not take long for one, or both, to eventually feel overwhelmed. For example, a woman may be brought to tears, or a man may avoid tears by turning to stonewalling techniques. In both cases, the emotional, psychological, and physical sensations become more than they can keep under composure as they become “flooded.”
Weapon #4: Body Language
This sign is not alluding to crossing legs, folding arms, or turning away from each other. Although, these signs are noteworthy as well. The body language weapon here deals with heartrates, blood pressure, hormonal changes including the release of adrenaline, and body temperature. These elevated body responses show how much stress an individual is experiencing under the surface. Unhealthy wear and tear on a body not only can make a person sick, but can fester disease in a marriage too.
Weapon #5: Failed Repair Attempts
It only makes sense that in wartime, any attempt to regain ground is a threat to destruction. This is exactly what failed repair attempts are; the inability to regain ground the couple is losing. So, what does a repair attempt look like? Basically, it is any action used to diffuse growing hostility. Some couples, in the middle of an argument, may address the other as, “Sweetheart….” Others may over emphasize their voice in a silly way to break the tension with laughter. The ways and means of repair attempts are as vast and varied as there are couples who use them. Unfortunately, in high-conflict marriages, the contempt may have reached such critical levels that any attempt to bring the stress down a notch or two is met with a scoff or more distain.
Weapon #6: Bad Memories
When a marriage is so negative and each of the other 5 weapons have wreaked havoc on the couple, this last weapon is like a poison that seeps into all that was once good and beautiful about the couple’s relationship. Instead of looking back fondly on happier times, the couple either does not remember the details, or they reassign negative intent to them. The bad memories weapon acts like termites to the structure of a house. It weakens and eventually destroys the structural architecture until there is no integrity holding it up in opposition to the gravity bearing down.
If after reading about these weapons you feel a little embarrassed because you see yourself, at least in part, in some or all of these situations, take heart! Knowing is half the battle! By acknowledging where you are right now you can start taking proactive measures towards healing and success.
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References:
Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work: a practical guide from the countrys foremost relationship expert. New York: Harmony Books
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