Week 13 Transitions in Marriage: In-Law Relations
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Sadly, in our society in-laws tend to get a bad rap. Everything from movies, television programs, newspaper cartoons, books, magazine articles, social media rants, and memes, surround us with degraded in-law images. Why is this so? I think, in part, when a new family forms from the marriage of a man and a woman, the automatic transfer of primary affections can cause some people to experience highly charged emotions. If in-laws are not careful, they could start overstepping their bounds, thereby interfering rather than supporting the new addition to their family unit.
This week, we studied information from Marriage and Family therapist, James M. Harper, and associate director of the School of Family Life, Susanne Frost Olsen. Together, they outlined 4 key principles in-laws and newly married couples can follow to help rather than hinder the formation and permanency of this delicate relationship.
To begin, the first principle is that “newly married couples should leave their parents and cleave to each other” (2005). Although this sounds simple, and parents and grandparents going back to the beginning of time all went through this, the reality of experiencing this transition firsthand may feel uncomfortable to some, and downright painful to others.
Quoting President Spencer W. Kimball, Harper and Frost Olsen shared this counsel, “Frequently, people continue to cleave unto their mothers and their fathers …. Sometimes mothers will not relinquish the hold they have had upon their children, and husbands as well as wives return to their mothers and fathers to obtain advice and counsel and to confide, whereas cleaving should be to the wife in most things …. Couples do well to immediately find their own home, separate and apart from that of the in-laws on either side. The home may be very modest and unpretentious, but still it is an independent domicile. Your married life should become independent of her folks and his folks. You love them more than ever; you cherish their counsel; you appreciate their association; but you live your own lives, being governed by your decisions, by your own prayerful considerations after you have received the counsel from those who should give it. To cleave does not mean merely to occupy the same home; it means to adhere closely, to stick together” (2005).
I am reminded of a parable I heard near the beginning of my marriage that relates to how marriage is like building a ship. In the beginning it may be nothing more than a raft that, although floats and does the job, is quite fragile and in constant need of improvements and repairs. However, overtime, as the couple tirelessly works on their little raft, they may build it up to become a strong, sturdy, impermeable ocean liner able to withstand the most fearsome storms. Now, this custom-built ocean liner will be loved and immensely valuable if the husband and wife build it together, only asking for advice and help from in-laws as they see fit rather than having in-laws taking liberties to knock down a wall here, or install a window there, uninvited. It takes time, energy, and a lot of blood, sweat, and tears to build something of this magnitude! Undesired interfering can not only cause frustration, but it may set the whole project back weeks, months, and even years, as the husband and wife work at correcting these unwanted in-law meddling “improvements.”
The next point is to help “newly married couples create a marital identity.” Some may wonder why this is even necessary? Isn’t the identity of the husband’s family good enough? I mean, the wife often takes her husband’s last name as her own for this very reason, doesn’t she? Surely, it would be unwise to assume such a thing! Harper and Frost Olsen explain, “One component of separating from families of origin involves creating a marital identity. It helps a newly married couple to think of themselves as existing together inside an invisible fence. They share information and behavior with each other inside that fence, and that information and behavior is not meant to be shared with others outside the fence—not with future children and certainly not with parents or parents-in-law.”
This marital identity strengthens a couple by creating a safe environment where trust, fidelity, vulnerability, and comfort thrives. There must be privacy in a couple’s relationship for them to emotionally, mentally, physically, and spiritually be one. Highly unified “oneness” a couple creates will bring about a type of joy that cannot be enjoyed any other way. This marital identity can be likened to a spring of pure water. When in-laws honor and encourage their children’s marital identities, they help to keep that water pure, rather than muddying it from unwanted intrusiveness.
The third point is to accept differences. Truly, this point is important not only in marriage; rather, it is important in every relationship we encounter every day for the rest of our lives. The authors teach, “Mothers-in-law usually discover early that their daughters-in-law are not like them, and in some cases, this may be upsetting. Parents who are more enmeshed with their children hold expectations that their children-in-law will be like them. A more realistic expectation is that children-in-law will bring new perspectives into the family, and the family can learn from these differences and be complemented by them. This may be especially difficult when a child marries someone who is less active or not a member, or a child marries someone who is the only member of the Church in his or her family. Parents who can work toward inclusion of a new son- or daughter-in-law and who show increased love and support have the best relationships with their married children and more influence in the lives of their grandchildren.”
Discussing differences brings me back to a familiar piano example where one might ask how enjoyable a piece of music would be if the piano only had 5 keys? Of course, after a short period of time, those 5 notes played over and over would get tiring to the ear. Allowing the addition of more keys, each with their own sound and rhythm, will give variety, uniqueness, and character to the old familiar tune. It may take some practice to learn how to fit this new “key” and “rhythm” in, but when everyone works together, the melody will sound sweeter than it did when only 5 keys took the spotlight.
This analogy leads nicely into the last point, which is to include new spouses in the extended family. Harper and Frost Olsen teach, “Research has shown that lack of marital approval, in-law blaming or triangulation, intrusion, forcing loyalty issues, holding grudges, and refusing to redefine one's role as a parent are related to poor in-law relationships and also jeopardize the marriage of the son or daughter. In one study, 80 percent of couples in failed marriages had not gained the approval or support of parents to marry. If parents are anticipating the marriage of their son or daughter, they should … find numerous ways to give messages that they trust the child's judgment and see him or her as fully capable of building a good marriage.”
Moreover, the authors highlight six things Gloria Horsley mentions that every parent should avoid. They are, “… giving advice, criticizing, pinning down children-in-law as to the specific reasons they are missing a family event, criticizing or taking over the disciplining of grandchildren, trying to control everyone and everything including children’s beliefs, and unclear and indirect communication” (2005). It is sad that such common-sense foundations of politeness must be outlined in writing this way; but, when extended family relations become strained, manners are often some of the first things to go.
I hope there comes a day when the titles of “mother-in-law, father-in-law, son-in-law, or daughter-in-law” no longer hold negative connotations. Fulfilling, rewarding, and strengthening in-law relationships are something every family has the potential to enjoy. Achieving this harmony just takes a little flexibility, acceptance, forgiveness, open-mindedness, and a working commitment that practice makes perfect!
References
Harper, J. M. & Olsen, S. F. (2005). "Creating Healthy Ties With In-Laws and Extended Families." In C. H. Hart, L.D. Newell, E. Walton, & D.C. Dollahite (Eds.), Helping and healing our families: Principles and practices inspired by "The Family: A Proclamation to the World" (pp. 327-334). Salt Lake City, UT: Deseret Book Company
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