Week 12 Transitions in Marriage: Power Relations and Children

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            Power and control are two of the most potent influences any person can have over others. For many, people in powerful and/or controlling positions can strike fear into their hearts, whereas for others, the ability to possess such influence is something they aspire to. However, in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, the Lord has clarified exactly how these influences should be used as well as the type of mindset and state of heart the user must have to avoid unrighteous dominion. He who has ultimate power and control over the universe is The One who loves and serves more than anyone else. Truly, righteous power and control is one of the most Christlike abilities Heavenly Father’s children can show to each other. In truth, this righteousness should be most prevalent within the walls of our homes.

            Of course, the two people who set the tone in a family home is the father and mother. As Dr.  Richard B. Miller, Director of the School of Family Life - Brigham Young University states, “Parents are the leaders in the family. In healthy, well-functioning families, there is a clear hierarchy between parents and children. Parents are the “executive committee” and the “board of directors” of a family. As with any other leadership position, parents should not be harsh, domineering, or dictatorial, but they are the leaders of the family, and the children need to follow that leadership” (BYU Conference on Family Life, 2008).

            In my experiences of being a child as well as a parent, I can attest to the fact that it is much easier to follow loving guidance where agency is honored. In past times when I felt like I was being forced without any input to the decisions, I was less likely to follow that type of leadership. In addition, my children respond so much better to guidance when they are not forced either. Ofttimes I need to remind my husband and myself that Christlike parenting should be based on the foundational principles of patience, longsuffering, and love.

            In addition, Brother Miller highlights a few more guidelines for proper leadership in the home. The next point he mentions is that parents must be united in their leadership. Sadly, sometimes one parent can gang-up with their children against the other parent, or other divisions may occur in a family environment. A united parental front is a safeguard against erosion from within. This does not mean that parents cannot have differing opinions; they can. Brother Miller explains how parents can deal with these differences without breaking their unity. He says, “If parents disagree on parenting issues, they should discuss the issues in an “executive session” without the children present. Children often try to play their parents off of each other. Consequently, it is important that parents make sure that they are working together and making decisions that are consistent with each other. Except in cases of abuse, passively not supporting the other parent or actively undermining the authority of the other parent causes serious damage to children” (BYU Conference on Family Life, 2008).

            The next guideline he discusses is that the parent-child hierarchy dissolves when children become adults. He details his position by stating, “In healthy families, the parents no longer exercise control or expect their adult children to obey them. Of course, parents still have the right to set household rules concerning appropriate behavior in their house, but they no longer have the right or responsibility to tell their adult children what to do” (BYU Conference on Family Life, 2008).

            In support of this point, Dr. Jane Adams, writing for Psychology Today (2017) lists 10 reasons why adult children may “hate” their parents. Some of her reasons include:

• You insist on being right. 
• You don’t know who they are now.
• You've locked them into outgrown childhood roles.        
• You can't let them lead their own lives.
• You ignore their boundaries.
• You take sides.
• You take liberties you’re not entitled to.

      Clearly, there is a time and a season to let your grown children claim their position in the ranks of independent adulthood! Furthermore, from my experience, being honored and valued as an adult daughter has brought me much closer to my parents than I experienced as a child. If family harmony and growth is your goal, let your children fly the nest and praise them when they do. They will love you for it!

            The last strategy Brother Miller outlines is that the marital relationship should be a partnership. There is simply no room for unrighteous dominion. In his talk he goes on to quote some wonderful doctrine taught by our church leaders. Below are a few of them:

·        In the marriage companionship there is neither inferiority nor superiority. The woman does not walk ahead of the man; neither does the man walk ahead of the woman. They walk side by side as a son and daughter of God on an eternal journey (Gordon B. Hinckley, Ensign, May 2002, p. 52).

·        Marriage is an equal partnership between husband and wife. Each has a specific role. The father who holds the priesthood fills most successfully the role of director and protector of the group. Hopefully his position is never one of autocratic direction, but only of cooperative consideration carried out in perfect love and unselfishness (Camilla Kimball, Writings of Camilla Eyring Kimball, p. 114).

·        The Priesthood of God means to me only the right to serve, in the name of God, Gods’ children, and he who serves God’s children in God’s name is doing the greatest service for the Master that can be done (Stephen L. Richards, Conference Report, October 1917, p. 148)

·        Sometimes a husband may believe that his role as head of the house gives him a right to be exacting and to arbitrarily prescribe what his wife should do. But in a home established on a righteous foundation, the relationship of a man and a woman should be one of partnership. A husband should not make decrees. Rather, he should work with his wife until a joint decision palatable to both is developed (H. Burke Peterson, Ensign, July 1989, p. 9).

            How wonderful it is that although control and power are necessary influences in the Kingdom of God on Earth as well as in families, our loving Heavenly Father has not left us to flounder and grapple with how to use them safely and righteously. Organizing your family and marriage in each of these ways is sure to bring balance and happiness to those you love.

            My questions for you this week are:

            1. Can you identify any areas of an imbalance of power and/or control in your marriage or family?

            2. What steps will you and your spouse take to realign your priorities to be more in line with the counsel given by our Savior and the General leaders of the church?

References

Adams, J. (2017). 10 reasons why your grown kids hate you. Psychology Today. Retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/between-the-lines/201711/10-reasons-why-your-grown-kids-hate-you

Miller, R.B. (2008). Who is the boss? power relationships in families. BYU Conference on Family Life. Retrieved from https://byui.brightspace.com/content/enforced/299020-Online.2017.Fall.FAML300.08/Course%20Files/Rick%20Miller-Power.pdf?_&d2lSessionVal=TeKUVklvs8xzIgvdp2Nj7k80f&ou=299020
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