Week 07: Staying Emotionally Connected
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When love is budding in its earliest stages, a couple may feel like the last thing they can do is resist each other. They may feel an almost palpable magnetism towards one other, and that while in each other’s presence, the sun shines a little warmer, troubles seem to fade, joy is found in the mundane, and life is bursting with meaning. If only this phase could last forever! However, as most of us know firsthand, just as the sun sets to let the dark sky rule the night, those intensely burning flames of new love gradually dim to a subtle warm glow. The lifelong challenge of married couples is to keep this glow alive by not allowing it to extinguish completely.
With skyrocketing divorce rates, rampant infidelity, and general marital dissatisfaction, some may fear that “growing apart” will be an inevitable path they and their spouse will face. Although they were once intensely drawn toward each other, they may worry that in time this magnetism will weaken.
However, as Dr. John Gottman discovered, it is the little things that make or break a marriage. Once a husband and wife understand what these little things are, they can choose to be more mindful and considerate as they interact with each other. The concept I will talk about this week is called “bids” for attention. Basically, throughout the day, each partner might seek “affection, humor, or support” from their loved one. And, the single predictor of whether they are keeping their warm glow alive, and their magnetism charged, is how well they respond to each other’s “bids” (Gottman & Sliver, 2015, p. 88).
For example, several days ago, while my husband was out shopping, he asked if I needed him to pick anything up for me. I replied that I needed a pack of transparent tape. When he got home he gave me a pack of invisible tape, a completely different product than the one I needed. Even though transparent and invisible sound like the same thing, they are not. He has bought me invisible tape many, many times in the past, and each time I explain that invisible and transparent are two very different things when it comes to tape. So, this time I told him I would have to return it in exchange for the right product. He grumbled that invisible and transparent were the same to him and walked away. Instead of arguing my point, I just sighed as he was leaving the room. This was a moment where my sigh – my bid for attention – was ignored. Thankfully, this is only half of the story! After thinking about the dilemma, my husband approached me later that day and said he would return to the store and make the exchange. Even though it came a little later, he turned towards my bid for attention and responded positively. Rather than weakening our attachment by ending the encounter with grumbling and leaving the room, the fact that he returned and made things right, without being forced, improved our magnetic charge.
In addition, Dr. Gottman makes a couple of important points to remember if you are experiencing obstacles in turning towards each other during communication. The first point is that bids may be hidden in an expression of anger or another negative emotion (pg. 91). For example, a wife may enjoy reading but find the best time to settle down with a book is at night after the kids are in bed and the demands of the day have subsided. After picking up a book, her husband may irritatingly say, “So, you’re going to be reading for half the night, then?” She has a choice. She can either respond irritatingly back by saying, “What’s it any business of yours what I choose to do. If I want to read half the night, then I will!” Or, she can see that this is a veiled bid for attention and reply, “You know, even though I have been looking forward to starting this book all day, it’s not as important to me as spending time with you. I will read only the first chapter and then come to bed where we can watch the next (favorite TV show) episode together.”
Gottman’s next point is that with the prevalence of technology now-a-days, we may easily be distracted by it (pg. 92). Take, for instance, a wife who had an eventful day while volunteering at her child’s elementary school. As she excitedly explains the details of what happened to whom, and who did what next, her husband’s cellphone buzzes. With his wife mid-sentence, he opens the message app to read the text that just came through. Feeling a little deflated at the slight, she quickly wraps up her story, leaving out parts she was excited to share only moments earlier. Dr. Gottman offers advice to those affected by these types of distractions. He states, “The best solution to this growing problem is for both partners to acknowledge if it is a concern between them and to establish rules of etiquette that work for both of them” (pg. 94). With this scenario, the couple could agree that for the first hour after the husband comes home, they will leave their cellphones on the kitchen counter while they touch base and share with each other the news of the day.
Finally, Gottman realizes that some spouses will be more inclined to make efforts to improve turning towards their partner’s bids for attention without having the same effort reciprocated. He even has a solution for this too! Wisely, he says, “If you feel like your spouse gives you the cold shoulder in little ways throughout the day, or if your spouse’s concept of closeness feels more like suffocation to you, the best thing you can do for your marriage is to talk it out. Reviewing these moments together will give you greater insight into each other and help you learn to give each other what you need” (pg. 109). As it has been said before, we cannot read each other’s minds, so let’s talk about it!
To conclude, many couples may yearn for those bright sunny days when their love was intoxicating and the magnetic pull towards each other was practically involuntary. If you find yourself longing for those earlier days, just remember that although the starry night may have settled in, with planning, cooperation, and effort, your warm and comfortable glow can be fanned every so often into a magnificent flame once again. You can do this by turning towards each other and responding thoughtfully to each other’s various bids for attention.
Questions for you this week:
1. What are the general ways your spouse “bids” for affection, humor, or support? How do you normally respond?
2. What are the ways you tend to “bid” for affection, humor, or support? How does your spouse respond to you?
3. If you identify any forms of anger or negatively charged “bids” in your answers above, how can you improve either your expression of, or your response to, the anger/negativity in a way that meets you and your spouse’s needs?
4. What benefits can you foresee by having a designated technology-free period of time with your spouse each day?
References
Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work: a practical guide from the countrys foremost relationship expert. New York: Harmony Books
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