Week 10: Seeking to Understand

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A path and a goal; they are different, but what’s the big deal? In marriage, the path is what each spouse chooses to do each day, whether alone or together. The goal is to live together forever as an eternal family unit. By comparing one to the other, it may be a little easier to see why some conflict in marriage can lead to what John Gottman describes as gridlock; or in other words, perpetual disagreements a couple cannot effectively accommodate (Gottman & Silver, 2015). These gridlock issues are caused when each spouse holds stubbornly to their chosen path rather than stepping back and evaluating the goal together. 

Thankfully, Gottman does not leave us hanging when it comes to figuring out what our gridlock issues are and what we can do about them. To begin, let’s look at how to tell if a perpetual conflict has become gridlocked.

1. You’ve had the same argument again and again with no resolution.
2. Neither of you can address the issue with humor, empathy, or affection.
3. The issue is becoming increasingly polarizing as time goes on.
4. Compromise seems impossible because it would mean selling out – giving up
something important and core to your beliefs, values, or sense of self (pg. 237).

To illustrate, I will use a fictitious scenario of a couple we will name Andrew and Henley. Their gridlocked issue is over where they want to settle down and buy a home. They met at an out of state college and are now ready to put their roots down, buy a home, and start raising their family. Their problem is they have completely opposite ideas of where these home/family-roots should be. Andrew insists on a rural area in Wyoming where they can purchase a large piece of land. He envisions peace and solitude along with the possibility of raising some farm animals and harvesting all summer long from a large garden. Henley, on the other hand, identifies more as a city-girl and loves the theater, amusement parks, shopping, and culture. The more they talk about their preferences, the tenser and heated their arguments become. In time, with neither of them budging their stance, they start to view the other as selfish and unrealistic. Oh dear, what it to be done?

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The answer to gridlock may be found in the last place you’d think; each spouse’s dreams. Believe it or not, our deeply held convictions stem from our interpretations of past experiences. We instinctively want to adapt our future in a way that either continues positive memories or changes troubling ones.

Returning to Andrew and Henley, lets peek inside of their subconscious minds to see if we can discover their underlying reasons for what they want.

Andrew: He grew up without a lot of guidance or direction from either of his parents. They both worked full-time and didn’t think to spend much time as a family during their downtime. Andrew’s cousins grew up on a farm where they had to spend time together year-round or else the farm would rundown or the animals wouldn’t get fed. These cousins talked endlessly about how they not only worked hard but they played hard too, together. To Andrew, he thought they had the ideal family environment and dreamed of the day when he could provide such a one for his future children.

Henley: She grew up with a close-knit extended family where regular holidays and vacations were spent together. In the summer, all of them would visit a theme park together, or discover new and exciting museums. Before the winter holidays her and her mother, along with her aunts and girl cousins, would go Black Friday shopping in preparation for Christmas. She loved these events so dearly that her ideal future family life includes keeping these traditions alive for her children by living in the city.

With such opposite priorities, can there be a work-a-round? According to Gottman, there sure is! To begin, Andrew and Henley need to share their dreams with each other, so each can see where the other is coming from. This helps open their discussion towards understanding and away from assuming selfishness and stubbornness. Once these two respectfully and lovingly have a deep conversation about each’s dream, they realize that they both want the best environment to raise their children according to the interpretations of their experiences (positive and negative) growing up. The key to sharing each other’s dreams is to do so in a validating way, not a judgmental way. Even if one does not agree with the other’s dream, they can still hear it and acknowledge that it is their spouse’s dream.

After dreams have been shared, the next step is to soothe if necessary. Some people hold onto their dreams because they are attached to some extremely stressful, or even traumatic, pasts. Opening up and sharing these tender dreams may be difficult, full of tears, and even flooding. It is a major test of trust to share such vulnerability that the experience should be honored and soothed throughout.

Next, the couple works at reaching a temporary compromise. They need to decide what they can give on, and what is absolute. There must be compromise in both parties for this to work. It is simply not fair for one to do all the giving and the other to do all the taking. This is not healthy and will cause greater, deeper division. For example, Andrew may be flexible on where they live as long as they commit to scheduling regular family time together in the form of shared chores, work projects, or even volunteering at local animal farms. Henley may be flexible as well on where they live, however, she insists that her deepest need is to include their extended families in as many yearly traditions as possible whether it be a summer camping trip, or a Christmastime weekend at a ski resort. In the end, they decide to live in a smaller city, close to rural outlying areas but near enough to the urban benefits Henley values.

Finally, even though neither Andrew or Henley got exactly what they wanted, and will always yearn for their “ideal,” they reached a compromise in a way that allowed them to deal with each other’s differences in a healthy, productive way. Once this level of understanding and agreement is reached, each spouse needs to say thank-you to the other for being willing to work at unlocking the gridlock.

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Questions for you this week:

1. If you find yourself in a gridlocked state over a specific topic, what might be your dream underlying your determination?

2. What might be your spouse’s dream for his/her position?

3. How do you think understanding each other’s dream will help you both loosen the grip on your gridlock?

4. Are you willing to work through these steps to reach a temporary compromise? If so, will you?

References:

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work: a practical guide from the countrys foremost relationship expert. New York: Harmony Books

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