Week 09: Managing Conflict; Consecrating Ourselves

Over 20 years ago, Elder Bruce C. Hafen of the First Quorum of the Seventy told the story of a bride who sighed blissfully on her wedding day, “Mom, I’m at the end of all my troubles!” “Yes,” replied her mother, “but at which end?” (Ensign, 1996). How true this story rings for those of us who are married! We may not struggle with the same troubles we faced while single, nevertheless, our trials are far from over.

John Gottman explains that there are two types of conflicts in marriage – solvable and perpetual. According to his research, 69% of all conflicts are perpetual, meaning, they will never be solved. Year after year, these annoyances will be a source of contention time and again. On the other hand, solvable conflicts are situational, meaning they can be worked around with a little bit of imagination and some give-and-take from both spouses. However, just because couples have perpetual problems doesn’t mean they cannot be happily married. Furthermore, just because couples have solvable problems does not mean these are less painful to deal with. As you can imagine, when dealing with marital conflict, this isn’t a cut-and-dry science. Thankfully, with some direction from Gottman, as well as guidance from gospel teachings, each form of trouble can be navigated in strengthening rather than destructive ways.

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So, where do we begin? Let’s start with those perpetual problems we will inevitably deal with. The key, says Gottman, is to not let them overwhelm the couple. Thankfully, there are two easy suggestions on how to do this: humor and open acknowledgement.

For example, my husband is stubborn when it comes to expectations, rules, or boundaries. He values flexibility, choices, and resists locking himself into any plans whenever possible. I, on the other hand, function well with schedules, goals, and lists. In these tendencies, we are opposites. I use the term tendencies because for work, he had to read the book The Four Tendencies by Gretchen Rubin. In it he realized that he is what’s classified as a “Rebel,” and I am classified as an “Upholder.” Rebels, by nature, resist inner as well as outer expectations. Bingo! That’s him to a tee! Upholder’s are ones who honor external as well as internal expectations. Yep, that sounds like me. As you can imagine, even if it is only from reading these basic descriptions, pretty much all of our perpetual conflicts revolve around our opposite tendencies; which will never change because they are a part of our personalities and temperaments.

To deal with issues that crop up, we use a combination of humor and open acknowledgement to diffuse our irritations. When I am butting heads with him, I will laugh and say something like, “There you go, you little rebel, you!” Which always makes him laugh and lighten up. With me, he could lightheartedly exclaim in a teasing tone, “Well, even though you like that kind of order, I might go along with it, but only because I choose to! Us rebels have a reputation to keep up!” When we can make each other smile or laugh, we can effectively talk about the situation while at the same time diffusing the tension and keeping it from overwhelming us.

            Now, for solvable conflicts, Gottman explains, “One way to identify solvable problems is that they seem less painful, gut-wrenching, or intense than perpetual, gridlocked ones. That’s because when you argue over a solvable problem, your focus is only on a particular dilemma or situation. There is no underlying conflict that is fueling your dispute” (Gottman & Sliver, 2015, p. 142). It is important to keep in mind that just because you are dealing with a solvable conflict you still need to deal with it appropriately. The steps for success are:

1. Soften your startup. For example, my husband may have offered to load the dishwasher, but by the next morning, the dishes are still where we left them the night before. Instead of scolding him for his incompetence, I can approach him and gently say something like, “Sooo… those dishes…” along with a little smile. This alerts him to the issue, but lets him know that he doesn’t have to feel attacked at the same time.

2. Learn to make and receive repair attempts. After bringing up the undone dishes, my husband may say something like, “Oh! I completely forgot!” I might make the repair attempt by saying, “Ya, I kinda noticed that.” This repair attempt, along with my calm tone of voice, helps him offer a solution. He may happily say, “As soon as I am finished my morning planning meeting, I will get them done.”

3. Sooth yourself and each other. Even though dish-duty may not seem like such a big conflict, this scenario could be stressful if it occurs right smack in the middle of an extremely difficult time in our lives; let’s say, right before we have family coming over for our son’s missionary farewell. Right after hearing my husband say he will take care of the dishes after his meeting, I may take a deep breath, stretch my arms for a bit, and sigh. He may make himself some hot chocolate and relax before beginning the chore.

4. Compromise. This is where each spouse agrees to give a little in order to reach a solution. If I find myself doing the lion’s share of dishes on a continual basis even though my husband works from home and I am just as, if not more, busy with school work, we can certainly compromise a fair trade-off. For example, every other week is almost unbearably busy for me. During those weeks, my husband can agree to cover the dishes. On the weeks where I have a lighter load, I can handle them. This way, neither of us are doing everything all the time, and we both feel like we are contributing in a way that makes us happy.

5. Dealing with emotional injuries. There will be times when we say unkind or tactless things to our spouse. We may be emotionally charged or overly tired. Either way, we can leave deep hurts that should be addressed. As Gottman describes, it “… is not what you were fighting about but how you were fighting” (Gottman & Sliver, 2015, p. 188). If my husband irritatingly says I am too OCD about the dishes, that may hurt my feelings. After bringing this up, I can explain how that comment made me feel, and he can explain what he was feeling when he said it. When we get to the root of our feelings during this confrontation, we see each other dealing with strong emotions rather than purposely trying to hurt one another. When apologies are made, accepting them in love brings peace and closure.

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Now, what does consecration have to do with any of this? Well, working through conflict, whether perpetual or solvable, is all a matter of heart. As H. Wallace Goddard says in his book Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage, “No partner on the face of the earth can meet all our needs. In mortality, we will live with disappointment. We can dwell on our discontent, or we can celebrate the points of connection. Brother Kent Brooks of the BYU faculty of Church History and Doctrine observed: “Our capacity to love a spouse deeply and our ability to experience great joy in marriage are commensurate with the degree to which we are willing to suffer and hurt, to labor and toil, and to persevere through moments of unhappiness, stress, disappointment, and tests of our patience and love for our partners”” (2009, pg. 106).

Are we willing to give all our heart, might, mind, strength, and soul to the welfare of our spouse and the growth of our marriage? If so, we will willingly accept the perpetual problems inherent in marriage, and successfully navigate solutions to the solvable ones.

References:

Goddard, H. W. (2009). Drawing heaven into your marriage: eternal doctrines that change relationships. Cedar Hills, UT: Joymap Publishing

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work: a practical guide from the countrys foremost relationship expert. New York: Harmony Books

Hafen, B. (1996). Covenant marriage. Ensign. Retrieved from https://www.lds.org/general-conference/1996/10/covenant-marriage?lang=eng

https://gretchenrubin.com/books/the-four-tendencies/intro/

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