Week 06: Cherishing Your Spouse

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Over the last 5 weeks, I have blogged exclusively on various ways marriages fail and weaken as well as society and the adversary’s attacks on marriages and families in our present day. Although some may wish to be like an ostrich with their head in the sand, no good comes from choosing ignorance. Nevertheless, we must exercise caution when dealing with negatives, for, focusing on the downside alone is not wise either. Thankfully, this week we will start to look on the brighter side of marriage. To begin, I would like to introduce you to John Gottman’s concept of the “love map” (Gottman & Sliver, 2015, p. 54).

However, before diving into my message, I would like to start off with an allegory shared by H. Wallace Goddard, PhD in his book entitled, Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage, (2009) that will help set the stage for our understanding and application of the love map. He shares:

A man … had two friends in the manufactured-home business. When he wanted a new house, he asked each friend to send him half a house. He gave no plans. He gave no specifications on size or style. He left them to design as they would. So each friend sent a lovely half-house. When the two halves arrived at the site, they were jarringly different. Rooms did not line up. Utilities did not match up. Roofs and walls between the two halves did not connect.
This is a pretty good symbol for marriage. Each of us is created in a different “factory” or family. Two people come together assuming that they will readily connect. But we soon find that our traditions, expectations, assumptions, and ways of life do not line up. The more time that passes, the more clear the differences.

Oh, dear! You may be more dismayed than ever, but take heart! Just because spouses are fundamentally different does not automatically mean they will forever remain incompatible. Here is where the love map comes into play.

Rather than stumbling in frustration while transitioning from one side of your new house to the other, love maps give each partner a unique perspective of the other side. There may be a secret corridor hidden away that you never knew existed wherein lies great adventure and mystery. A well-worn wing may be longing for an upgrade but requires tender encouragement to move forward. And, don’t forget, each side has a basement storage compartment where unwelcome baggage has been tossed aside, and hence, when discovered, must be handled respectively lest through careless tampering you add to the load rather than helping to de-junk it.

As the above quote by President Uchtdorf implies, if you love your spouse, you will seek to know your spouse, you will think of your spouse, and what you think and know of your spouse will determine what type of spouse you will in turn “become.” A love map helps as you do this seeking, thinking, and doing.

To begin, you start composing a love map by finding out how well you really know your spouse. What are the significant events in their life, what brings them pain, what are all the big, the little, and everything in-betweens that makes them tick? Believe it or not, this is a love map!

Some of you may be thinking, that’s it? That’s all you’ve got for me? I thought a love map would be much more adventurous and interesting than that. Well, stop and think again. What is stopping you from discovering adventure and interest in your beloved?

To be sure, it is well worth remembering what Alma taught in Alma 37: 6 – 7 “Now ye may suppose that this is foolishness in me; but behold I say unto you, that by small and simple things are great things brought to pass; and small means in many instances doth confound the wise. And the Lord God doth work by means to bring about his great and eternal purposes; and by very small means the Lord doth confound the wise and bringeth about the salvation of many souls.”

Honestly, the salvation and eternal purpose of your marriage, and all those connected with it, are the very reasons why giving this small and simple principle a try. Just think, how flattered or impressed you are when someone remembers a small but significant detail that matters to you. Or, on the other hand, how hurtful it can be when your preferences or requests are ignored or brushed aside? The key to smoothing out the two opposite sides of your house is found by how well you deal with these little matters. For, we know, the little things eventually become the big things.

Gottman makes a clear and powerful point. He emphasizes, “Without such a love map, you can’t really know your spouse. And if you don’t really know someone, how can you truly love them? No wonder the biblical term for sexual love is to “know”” (Gottman & Sliver, 2015, p. 54). Furthermore, I would like to add that instinctively, most of us must understand this principle. How often have you heard of two people who know each other “intimately?” Aside from physical relationships, knowing someone intimately also means you know and respect all the little minutia in their lives that general acquaintances do not. Knowing and honoring these layers of details is the very thing that sets the closest relationships apart from all others. The importance of cultivating detailed, confidential love maps in a marriage relationship cannot be understated.


Your questions to ponder this week are:

1. How well can you create a detailed analysis of how different your side of the “house” is compared to your spouse’s side?

2. Since humans are constantly changing, what activities will you and your spouse commit to do regularly that will keep your love maps current and expanding.

3. While discovering each other’s love maps, and renovating each side of your house to join more perfectly, what would be some benefits of building new rooms and passageways for just the two of you to design and enjoy together? How would this reinforce and strengthen your marriage?


References
Goddard, H. W. (2009). Drawing heaven into your marriage: eternal doctrines that change relationships. Cedar Hills, UT: Joymap Publishing
Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work: a practical guide from the countrys foremost relationship expert. New York: Harmony Books
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